Of Magic and Madness
by DesolateDreamer
Summary: Magnus is visited by a distant warlock author, Elizabeth Ainsley. But something doesn't feel right. When he stops by her house and finds she has tried to kill herself, who better to help her recover than the former High Warlock? Set during season 3. Malec. TW!Attempted suicide, depression.
1. Valerian Root

It was only nine o'clock in the morning when Alec Lightwood was already pulling his jacket on to leave for the institute. Magnus Bane was dressed, too, and was sipping tea from a china cup at the breakfast table, watching as his lover checked his phone before placing it in his pocket.

"I'll see you tonight," said Alec, turning to leave.

"What? No goodbye kiss?" Magnus teased, lowering his tea cup, a flirtatious smile on his lips.

Alec looked back. "I'm already late," he replied, yet smiling in return. He leaned across the table to give him a peck on the lips.

Sensing that the small 'kiss', if you could call it that, was all he was going to get, Magnus let him go. "Fine, fine. See you tonight, Alexander."

Alec gave him one last glance before walking towards the door, but before he could open it there was a knock from the other side. He pressed down the silver handle and opened the large black door.

A young woman in a long black coat stood in the corridor. She had a red scarf that covered her wavy dark blonde hair, and tucked inside Alec could see her lop ears like that of a rabbit. She was clearly a warlock. He had met her briefly before, however did not remember.

Immediately her eyes looked him up and down and widened slightly in alarm. "I-um, I'm here to see the High Warlock. Magnus Bane?" She asked in a London accent.

Not having much time, since Alec was already running late, he look back at Magnus who stood up. "He's inside," he said, before stepping past her and down the corridor.

"I guess it's time I got to work as well then." Magnus walked across the apartment. "But I'm afraid you're late. I'm not the high warlock of Brooklyn anymore. Lorenzo Rey," he grimaced like he had a foul taste in his mouth, "is who you're after."

"Oh," the woman's face fell and she turned away. "I'm sorry to have bothered you."

Magnus stepped forwards, "It's not a bother. Perhaps I can still be of some assistance. Why don't you come in...?" he trailed off, waiting for her name. He couldn't quite see her face properly from where she had started to turn away and was half hidden by the scarf.

She stepped into the apartment and began to lower her scarf. "Elizabeth-,"

"Ainsley!" Magnus finished, closing the door behind her. He watched as she removed the scarf completely, her lop ears spilling out onto her shoulders. "I haven't seen you in some time."

"I've been away," she replied, "and working a lot."

She was holding back, but that didn't surprise him. Elizabeth had always been distant in the warlock community. When Valentine had been disrupting the city she had gone with them into hiding, but he had barely seen her since then. Perhaps once at a party months ago.

"Please, sit down." he motioned towards the sofas. "Tea?"

Elizabeth nodded. "Yes please." She took a seat on one of the sofas while Magnus snapped his fingers and a tray with a tea pot, tea cup and saucer, milk jug along with a bowl of sugar cubes appeared on the coffee table between them. He, himself, sat opposite with his own half finished tea cup in hand.

"So, Ms Ainsley-,"

"Elizabeth," she corrected.

"Elizabeth," Magnus continued, "you didn't know I'm not the High Warlock anymore?"

She hesitated as she poured herself some tea, and when she spoke she didn't meet his eyes. "As I said, I've been very busy."

Magnus eyed her curiously.

"With everything going on I thought it was better to leave the city for a while." She seemed very interested in stirring her tea, the spoon tinkling against the china.

Magnus finished his own drink and there was an uncomfortable silence.

"What is it that brought you here?"

"I need some valerian root." Elizabeth placed the spoon onto the saucer and held the cup in both hands. "For research," she added.

"Research?" Magnus asked. "Is this perhaps for another book?"

She nodded. "Yes. I've been looking at John Knight's work with sleeping potions."

"Oh thank goodness, his writing is _incredibly_ dry."

Magnus stood up and wandered over to his office where he easily found a jar on the shelf. "Is that all you need?" he called out, unscrewing the lid of the jar.

As she entered the room, he asked her another question, "and how much?"

"Yes, just valerian root," Elizabeth said, "and as much as you can spare."

Magnus paused, the earthy smell of the roots making itself known. "Perhaps I can help. I've brewed many potions as well as cocktails in my time."

"I appreciate the offer, but I'd rather do the work on my own."

She touched her hands and looked away from him, her right thumb pressing into her left palm. Her nervousness was in turn making Magnus wary of her and what she was saying. What was she hiding? Or perhaps his ego was getting in the way of the fact that she really did just want to work alone.

Still, something didn't feel right. He screwed the lid back on the jar and held it out to her. "May I stop by to see how it's coming along? I'd be happy to offer some of my expertise."

Elizabeth took the jar. "Thank you, but that really won't be necessary."

"I insist," pressed Magnus.

And she didn't argue, rotating the jar as she examined it closely. "Is next Friday any good?"

Magnus hummed uncertainly, picking up a leather bound diary from his desk and flicking through the pages. "Tomorrow is better."

"Not tomorrow. Thursday?"

"Afternoon?"

She nodded and he made a note. In the meantime, Elizabeth put her hand in her pocket and produced an envelope of cash. "How much?"

"For you?" He dropped the diary and a rush of air swept through the room as he summoned a hardback book into his hand, opened on the first page. In his other hand was a pen. "Sign here," he instructed.

She took the pen, her cheeks turning pink as she saw her name printed on the page. She signed her own book. When she was done, Magnus gazed at Elizabeth's writing with a grin.

"And how much?" Elizabeth asked again, beginning to take the notes of cash out of the envelope.

"Oh no, I don't need anything else. What you've given me is priceless."

"Are you sure?" she frowned.

"Absolutely. Now, better get started on that research." Magnus carefully closed the book and waved his hands, sending it flying slowly back to where it belonged on a shelf on the wall.

They returned to the sofas where Elizabeth finished her tea and put her scarf back on to cover her hair and ears.

At the front door, she said, "you're a very generous man, Magnus."

He smiled to her, "Take care. I hope it proves useful. And I'll see you on Thursday."

"Thank you," Elizabeth replied, "it will."

* * *

**Hey all, long time no fics - I know. I've been spectacularly busy with university, illness, and working. I have an actual job now, which is hard to believe considering I've been writing fics on this site for about 12 years. Recently I've been watching and reading a lot of Shadowhunters, Malec fics & some of the actual books about Malec - and I wanted to give writing a try as I have some ideas. This story will mostly focus on this OC and her growing friendship with Magnus. And, of course there will be plenty of Malec too... Hope you guys enjoy!**


	2. Sleep Forever

Elizabeth's house was a short train ride away. Magnus had bought a large umbrella with a vibrant pattern of blue swirls and stars. Of course, he didn't need it but he liked how it stood out and it stopped the mundanes from wondering why the rain avoided him so abnormally.

As he made his way down the street, there were only a couple of people hurrying to and from their cars or through the downpour. Perhaps on their way to work.

He was early. It was mid morning, rather than the afternoon when he'd planned to visit Elizabeth's House. However something had been nagging him and since he didn't know her well this seemed like the only thing to do. If there was anything to be done about in the first place.

At the front of the house, Magnus paused by the small gate between the hedges. There were the faint orange glows of a ward, but rather than a sheet of energy it appeared to have deteriorated and become full of huge tears and holes. As if she hadn't maintained them in quite a while. Maybe months.

Frowning, he pushed open the gate and slipped through easily towards the front door. Magnus knocked a few times and waited. No answer.

He weighed his options, wondering if it would be better to return in the afternoon when he was meant to be there. Or, the more appealing option: break in, make sure she hadn't been killed by demons, apologise, mend her wards, and leave, probably to never be invited again.

Perhaps something less destructive first.

Magnus leant the umbrella on his shoulder and summoned a slip of paper. With a finger he scrawled a note and it began to smoulder as he then sent it flying off, sparks falling through the air behind it.

Several minutes later there was no response. He thought it was safe to say he had done everything least destructive first, and now the time warranted for his original idea.

The door wasn't warded either. There were some faint traces of magic, a blue line or two around the frame, but nothing that could stop him - or anyone - from entering. He simply waved his hand and the pins in the lock clicked into place. The chain slid off the hook, and he pushed the door open.

The hall inside was stuffy and dusty. Having not been there before, Magnus had some doubts as to whether he was in the right place, but there wouldn't have been any trace of magic if this wasn't Elizabeth's house.

The living room had not a single empty surface. Books and papers were scattered, and there were several plants. All of them were trimmed down to the stems. He spied his jar of valerian root, now completely empty.

The house was very quiet. Magnus left his umbrella by the door and made his way upstairs. If she was just sleeping then it would be fine. Maybe she would even understand that he had been concerned about her lack of wards.

On the landing he could see her bed through an open door and to his relief Elizabeth seemed to just be sleeping. Except her carpet was covered in old fire messages. The most recent one lay on the sheets.

He hovered for a moment, and could just imagine Ragnor asking him what the bloody hell he was doing, when he realised her skin was grey. She was very still, curled up on her side. Was she dead?

Almost. At her bed side now, Magnus held a hand near her face to see she was barely breathing. Just slow, shallow breaths.

On her bedside table a piece of paper with his name on caught his eye. It simply read 'Magnus, I'm sorry.' Next to it sat an empty bottle.

"What have you done, my dear?" he murmured, touching the back of her hand that rested on top of the covers. He slapped her cheek a few times, just to be sure. But she lay as still as ever.

There was only one thing to do now. "I'm sorry, this is going to be very cold and unpleasant." Raising his hands, an icy blue glow wrapped around Elizabeth, diving deep into her veins. He had to freeze the potion clear of her system.

Elizabeth gasped, breathing heavily as if she had been underwater for too long. Her eyes were shut tight and shivering violently, she pulled the covers close to herself. She sat up, pushing herself backwards towards the headboard and trying to escape from the freezing cold. She opened her eyes when Magnus spoke.

"It's alright," he told her, "I'm sorry about the cold. You'll warm up soon."

Still breathing heavily and shivering, Elisabeth looked at him. "Wh-why did you w-wake me up?" she breathed.

He smiled sadly. "Because it was the only thing to do."

Her eyes filled with tears and she covered them with one hand, shaking under the sheets except not just because of the cold.

With one hand on her shoulder, Magnus sat on the edge of the bed and let her cry for a while. How long had she been suffering? He listened to her heartbreaking sobs, until she started to compose herself.

"Elizabeth," Magnus said, gently but also with some urgency, "I need to know what was in that potion. It's very important."

She sniffed, wiping her red eyes. "The list. It's on my desk. Downstairs."

"When did you drink it?"

"Today. I think."

He shook his head. "Which day exactly?"

"When I came to see you." she murmured. "I had it after."

Four days ago. It was not ideal. Elizabeth's eyes slid closed.

"I don't think so," Magnus shook her with his hand still on her shoulder. She started shivering again as the icy tendrils pierced her once more and she reopened her eyes.

"I need you to show me the list. The potion. Everything," said Magnus. "Let me help you."

She swallowed and whispered, "Ok." Elizabeth slowly collected herself and slid out from under the covers. She was sluggish and weak, but still managed to pick up her dressing gown from a chair with shaking hands and wrap it around herself.

Magnus followed behind her down the stairs, patiently waiting as she stopped on every other step because she was so drained. He probably could have found the list and her work himself, but there was no way he was going to leave her alone and it was easier for her to tell him than to go through her things.

"Here," Elizabeth picked up some papers from her desk and handed them to him. She sat down.

He studied over the papers, one of them being a list of ingredients and where to get them. She had already tried obtaining the valerian root from a few other warlocks that were crossed out. From what he read, he could see that she'd certainly made an extremely potent sleeping potion, but not one that would have been lethal enough.

"I don't think this wouldn't have killed you," he said finally, shifting his eyes from the recipe. "More likely you would have awoken eventually, in agony from the damage it would have caused."

Elizabeth looked away from him, "Typical of me. Can't even kill myself properly." She brushed another tear away.

Magnus pulled up a chair near her. "I know how it feels, Elizabeth, believe me. Can you tell me why?"

She had crossed her arms around herself and was hunched forwards slightly in the chair, trying to keep warm, and her eyes looked distant as she focused them on her lap. "I'm very tired, Magnus. And I feel... _bad_... all the time, except for when I'm asleep. So I was hoping that I could just," she drew her eyes back up, "Sleep forever."

Magnus paused, "Why haven't you told anyone?"

"There's no one left for me to tell."

His stomach ached with familiarity. "When you came to visit, I would have listened."

Elizabeth shrugged. "You said yourself, I'm not your problem anymore. Even so, I don't know you well. We are strangers. I don't want to burden you with my sad story, and I don't want to burden you now. Maybe it's best if-,"

"Elizabeth you're not a burden," Magnus interrupted her. "You're simply ill. We have met before and therefore are not strangers. And just because I'm no longer the High Warlock of Brooklyn, doesn't mean that I can't have clients. You, my dear, are one of my clients and have already paid me a significant amount."

She shook her head. "My signature is hardly worth-,"

He held up a hand, "hush. You really underestimate your worth. Assuming you'd passed on, a century from now, a signed copy of that book would have been more than a little expensive."

Elizabeth didn't know what to say. She was relieved, grateful and concerned all at once and her eyes began to water again. "Now what, then?" she mumbled.

Magnus thought for a moment and then gave her an encouraging smile. "If you could eat anywhere right now, where would you go?"

She blinked away the tears. "I suppose," she trailed off, thinking. "I'd have pancakes. There's this place in London. I don't know if it's still there."

"Let's find out, shall we?" said Magnus, standing up. "Clean up and get dressed. How does that sound?"

Elizabeth got to her feet and nodded, leaning on the back of the chair for support. "Yes, I think that would be nice."

"Take your time," he reassured her, "I'll be waiting."

She began to slowly walk towards the stairs when she eyed the front door and turned back to him. "Magnus?" she asked, "Did you break into my house?"

* * *

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter and the story so far. Please let me know if you want me to continue :)**


	3. London

Elizabeth sat on the edge of the bath as she distantly watched the taps running. When it was half full, she turned them off and sat for a few minutes, listening to the rain outside. She closed her eyes, hearing the patter against the windows.

Now that she was alone, she felt the gravity of what she had almost done. She was still here. Still alive. What was she going to do now? Yes, she had agreed to go out and eat something. Then what? Magnus would go home and she would be left alone again. To continue with the hollow pain.

Her chest hurt, so she pressed her fingers against it, trying to release the ache. Not that it ever helped.

In the bath, she put her hands over her eyes, and tried to sob as quietly as she could.

Meanwhile downstairs, Magnus opened a window, letting some air into the stuffy house. He picked up the potion recipe and dropped it into an empty box on the floor, along with some bottles of dangerous ingredients.

He called another client he was meant to see that day to cancel, and lunch with Alec would have to become dinner instead.

"Is something wrong?" Alec asked on the phone.

"I'm fine, Alexander," Magnus assured him, "I'll tell you about it later."

Eventually, Elizabeth came back downstairs. She was dressed in simple trousers and a beige jumper. Her hair was wet, her lop ears ruffled and she looked tired and miserable.

Slowly she picked up a red scarf from the banister and looked at him with red eyes. "I know I look terrible," she said.

Magnus gave her a pitiful smile. "You do look like you've seen better days."

Elizabeth sighed.

"You'll see those days again."

She tilted her head in disbelief.

"You know, just as well as I, that everything is only temporary. Even pain."

She didn't reply, and he picked up his umbrella by the door.

"Before we go," Magnus said, "there's a box of... unsavoury items I've gathered. Lists, ingredients." he was about to offer to temporarily home them.

"Take them," Elizabeth spoke. "Please."

Magnus clapped his hands together and then snapped his fingers and a blue wisp rose where the box vanished. "It's done."

"Thank you," she swallowed, looking down as she pulled on her coat.

"Chin up, Elizabeth," he touched her arm, sensing her becoming emotional. "Time for those pancakes."

The portal opened up down an empty street near to where Elizabeth described. She looked around and breathed in the stink of pollution. It was different from New York, and she didn't think she'd ever smell it again.

Magnus stepped out of the portal as it closed behind him. "The mundanes have been busy for the last few decades," he commented, glancing up at the skyscrapers.

"They've done a lot below ground, too," said Elizabeth.

They began to walk down the pavement, Elizabeth knowing where to go. They talked about London and when each of them were there last and how it had changed over time.

When they reached the place, Elizabeth's lips twitched upwards. "It's still here."

Inside, they took a table by the window. Soon enough, two plates of pancakes dripping in syrup and surrounded by strawberries and blueberries were placed in front of them, along with a pot of tea. Elizabeth had about two thirds before she sat back in her purple seat, wiping her fingers on a serviette.

Despite having had breakfast earlier, Magnus still ate all of his. She was right – they were good.

Once they were done, the waitress came over with the bill and Elizabeth insisted on paying. Although Magnus still left a twenty-pound note under the silver plate.

Later when they were walking by The Thames, she stopped, staring at the green water below.

"Thank you for bringing me here." she said.

"Of course, anytime." Magnus replied. "I couldn't pass up a trip to London."

"I have to tell you, I-," she trailed off, looking very pale. "Can we sit down?" she breathed.

He led her to a bench nearby, sitting beside her. Luckily there weren't many people down that way as they'd walked down a quieter path.

She was hunched forward, her eyes shut tight as she pressed her fingers against her chest, trying to breathe. "Shit," she whispered. "Shit. Shit."

"It's alright, Elizabeth," Magnus put a hand on her back. "It's just a panic attack. Try to breathe slower."

She dropped her hands to her lap, clenching and unclenching her hands that were full of pins and needles. "I- can't." She was shaking and her heart was beating very fast. "Can you - count for me? To five."

He did what she asked, rubbing her back and hoping it would bring some comfort to her.

Gradually she managed to slow down her breathing so that each count of five was one breath in, one breath out.

"Thank you," she whispered, taking a deep steadying breath and wiping some stray tears away. "I'm sorry."

He waved his hand dismissing her apology. "No need for that. No apologies for things outside your control. Now what was it you were going to tell me? Something terrible, I gather from your reaction."

Elizabeth let out a bitter laugh. "I'm a bit," she paused, "terrified to go home. To be alone. I thought it would be over. But now there's," her eyes stared at her hands, "eternity."

Magnus knew that feeling all too well. The rest of time lay ahead for him to do anything. However sometimes with the possibility of everything, occasionally led to the question of why do anything at all. He didn't think like that anymore, or at least caught himself whenever he did.

"I said I'd help you, Elizabeth. And I will," Magnus promised. "We'll make a plan together, hmm?"

She nodded and sniffed. "Ok."

"We can meet every Monday." Magnus couldn't remember if he had other appointments on the next Mondays coming up, but he would deal with that later. He was sure it was nothing he couldn't work around. "Do you have a phone?"

"I- yes." she put her hand in her pocket and took out her phone.

Magnus held his hand out and she unlocked it before handing it over. He opened her contacts. "I'm giving you my number. If you're having a crisis, even a fashion crisis, you must talk to someone. Understand? No matter what time it is."

Elizabeth nodded, taking her phone back.

"There must be someone else in your life?" he questioned. "Someone you can talk to."

She looked away. "Not really, no. As depressing as that sounds."

Magnus hesitated. "What about Lorenzo?" Sure, he had a huge grudge against Magnus, but there was no reason as to why he wouldn't help Elizabeth. It was his job after all, as High Warlock of Brooklyn now. It was his duty to look after all the Warlocks in the area.

Elizabeth ran her finger and thumb across the edges of her phone. "I guess I could try and speak with him," she said with uncertainty, in a way Magnus wasn't entirely sure she would. Well, it was her choice after all.

The two of them spent over an hour on the bench, discussing Elizabeth's new plan. She had taken a small notebook from her pocket that she always carried around and a pen so she could make some less destructive lists. She wrote down what she enjoyed doing, things she needed to do, and a schedule for the next few days. There was another list too, of what she could do if she had dark thoughts or wanted to hurt herself.

When she put her notebook and pen back in her pocket, Elizabeth was so tired and drained she wanted to ask Magnus to portal them back to her house, but refrained from doing so.

However, Magnus could see her dull green eyes, the dark circles beneath them. Considering the amount she had been through, it wasn't difficult to tell she was exhausted.

"Are you ready to go home?" he asked her.

"Yes," she replied in a quiet voice.

Magnus opened the portal and let her step through first before he entered.

They came back into Elizabeth's living room, and even though they'd been sitting down for the last hour or so, Elizabeth still took off her coat and scarf and immediately sat down on the white sofa.

"One more thing," Magnus said, "There is still the matter of your wards."

"Oh," replied Elizabeth slowly. She had forgotten about them. "I can't. If I pay you to-,"

He held up a hand. "We already discussed this. You have paid me. And I will see to them on my way out. They won't be attuned to you, but you'll be protected."

She frowned. "Magnus, I don't know how to thank you. This is too much."

He sat down next to her, taking one of her hands in both of his. "Just promise me you'll look after yourself, Elizabeth. That this won't be all for nothing."

Tears welled up in her eyes. "I promise," she whispered.

Magnus smiled. "Get some beauty sleep."

He stood up to go, when she grabbed onto his hand. "Wait. Did you take my sleeping potions?"

He nodded. "They were in that box."

"I need them. To sleep."

"Elizabeth," Magnus sighed.

She let go and turned away.

"This soon after that potent draught you created; it would do more harm than good. Can you brave it, at least until Monday?"

Elizabeth rubbed her eyes. "You're right, of course." She kicked off her shoes and reached for the blanket on the back of the sofa.

"I'll see myself out and fix up your wards. See you soon."

"Goodbye," Elizabeth said as she swung her legs up onto the sofa, pulling the blanket around her.

Magnus closed the front door behind him and relocked it from the outside. With a few waves of his hands an orange sheet of energy glowed across the wood. He did the same at the front gate.

Satisfied with the wards, he opened up the umbrella as it was still raining and took a step back.

He eyed the front window with concern as he knew it was going to be a while until Elizabeth's suffering would lessen. At least she had promised him she would try to struggle through it for now.

He started walking down the street and called Alec, hoping he could get off Shadowhunter business early. Magnus could really use a drink.

* * *

**Phew, this chapter was a bit more challenging to write. Let me know if you liked :)**


	4. Photographs and Pizza

A few drinks at the Hunter's Moon later, Magnus got a message back from Alec saying that the Institute didn't need him for the rest of the night. He drained the rest of the glass and headed home.

Alec was already waiting for him when he opened the door to his apartment. Magnus was greeted by the smell of pizza cooking in the oven and cologne as Alec's arms encircled him. He breathed in, deeply, embracing him lovingly with a sigh.

"Hey, are you ok?" Alec asked, confused as to the sudden rush of affection, and the smell of alcohol.

"It's been a long day, Alexander." Magnus replied, pulling back so they could share a kiss.

"Get yourself a drink and sit down. Dinner's almost ready," Alec told him.

"Should I be worried?" Magnus joked.

"Relax, I can warm up a pizza." He shook his head, smiling back all the same.

Magnus poured himself a cocktail and took a seat at the table, watching as Alec bought in two bowls of salad and then the pizza – classic with pepperoni slices.

"I could get used to this," Magnus said, smiling a lot and taking a sip of his drink.

"Eat." Alec ordered with a grin, all but telling him to sober up.

Magnus did a mock salute, "yes, sir!"

Alec put down a glass of water next to him before taking a seat himself. Magnus pretty much ignored it, but the food was good and he did feel a bit better after a few slices.

Alec was starving, having not had lunch, and even went back to the kitchen for more salad. "How was work?" he asked between mouthfuls.

"Ah, that," Magnus waved his hand. "Nothing too interesting."

Alec finished his mouthful. "Tell me anyway," he said before taking another bite. Since Magnus had lost his position as High Warlock he had been trying to be more open about his emotions with Alec, but it was still difficult. Alec would always try to press a bit further to get his boyfriend to spill.

Magnus finished his drink and sat back in his chair. The fun drunken daze had worn off now. All that was left was the two of them and reality. He wasn't sure if it was right to tell Alec, but it went unsaid that what they talked about was kept between them. "I went to go and see one of my clients, a warlock – Elizabeth. She tried to kill herself."

Alec swallowed. "Is she ok?"

"Yes, and no," Magnus replied. "She is alive, but she won't be alright. Not for a long time."

Alec squeezed his hand that was resting on the table. "I'm sorry."

Magnus squeezed back. "I said I'd try to help her, and she said she'd let me. But I hate to think what would've happened had I not been there. Had she not come by to ask for ingredients." He met Alec's eyes. "I can see why she'd want to do it. To be an immortal isn't easy."

Alec watched him, sadly. "It's good you were able to help her. And that you still are."

"Well, hopefully she won't grow to regret my interference." Magnus shrugged, letting his hand slide from the table.

"What?" Alec stared at him, "I don't know her, but if you're asking if you did the right thing – of course you did." He reached across to put a hand on the warlock's knee under the table. "Magnus," Alec spoke, prompting his boyfriend to meet his eyes again. "You saved her life. There's nothing regretful about that."

Finally, Magnus nodded. "These things take time."

"Exactly," said Alec.

"Alexander?" Magnus asked.

"Yes?"

"Is there desert?"

Alec grinned. "Of course there's desert." He stood up, stacking the plates and then going into the kitchen.

"Make sure it's chocolate!" Magnus called after him.

* * *

Elizabeth woke up slowly, and then everything hit her like a train. Being alone. Being alive.

She rolled onto her side on the sofa, pulling the blanket up where it had slid down the side. It was barely light out and the rain had stopped. From the time on the microwave in the kitchen at the other end of the room, she could see it was around half past five in the morning.

With a long exhale, she rolled over again, staring into the dark blue at the top of the tall front windows. Elizabeth lay like that for a while, thinking about the past, the future, what she was going to do now. She kept getting distracted by the stale air. What was her schedule?

Sitting up, she reached for her coat on the arm of the sofa and fished out her notebook from the pocket. It was literally the bare minimum. Get dressed, have breakfast. She wasn't hungry so she went to put the book down on the coffee table. She stopped. It was very dusty. Sliding her finger across the glass, she didn't even catch all the layers.

God, and Magnus Bane had been in here? He must have been really trying to hold back his tongue.

The place was a state. She'd been too tired to clean, too drained to use her magic. Maybe it was time to do it the old-fashioned way?

First, she smoothed the blanket over the back of the sofa, hung up her coat, and placed her shoes on the shoe rack by the door. Next was gathering all the papers and books and shoving them into a corner for later.

Elizabeth dusted, hoovered, tidied, scrubbed, wiped, and sprayed. It was about ten when she finally finished, flopping down onto the sofa with a freshly washed up mug of tea and a plate of toast (both of which were on the sparkling clean coffee table). She looked around, feeling pleased with her work. If only she could fix everything as easily as she could clean the house.

Picking up her phone from the side, Elizabeth even snapped a photo long room in front of her. At the forefront was her breakfast, and another sofa to her right, a dining table in the middle and the kitchen was at the far end at the back. Her newly tidied desk was against the wall on the right, all joined with rows of shelving for all her books, papers, artefacts from her past, photographs and plants.

She thought about what the mundanes do these days with their phones and how they liked to document everything that happened in their lives on social media. It was a bit strange to her. She liked to keep that to herself. The picture would be just for her, to remind her that even when she felt terrible, she could still get things done.

Distantly, she had the idea of sending it to Magnus, but decided against it. He'd probably had enough of her for a while. She was sure a lot of what he'd said, he would have meant. However, she didn't need to be immortal to know that plenty of people said nice things when someone was having a hard time, things they didn't mean.

Elizabeth spent the rest of the day trying to keep busy, sorting through all the books and papers. She refused to take a break, too afraid that if she stopped she would start thinking too much.

One of the books was a photo album. She hadn't looked at it in maybe a year, and when she opened it, she slowed right down, studying the grey faces smiling up at her.

A handsome American man with what had been dark brown hair was standing next to her. She had been wearing a beautiful cream dress with beads and that caught the lights. Her hair was shorter then, in a straight bob, her lop ears glamoured. The man's name was Danny – he had been a warlock too.

She touched his face with her finger, the closest she would ever be to him now. She'd been so happy back then, chasing parties and always after the next dance or the next drink. Constantly moving, so fast that she would never let the darkness catch up and creep in.

Now it had. Elizabeth wasn't even sure if he would've been able to fight it with her. She wasn't sure if she could fight it alone.

Gripping the edges of the album she closed it shut and hugged it to her chest, a choked sob breaking through the silence.


	5. Lorenzo

"Elizabeth Ainsley? What an unexpected pleasure." Lorenzo Rey stood at the front door with a charming smile.

She tried to return it, though she was so nervous she could barely twitch her lips, her heart hammering in her chest. "Lorenzo," Elizabeth managed to say. "I heard you're the High Warlock now."

He nodded. "Indeed I am. Come in."

She stepped forwards inside the mansion, and with a flick of Lorenzo's wrist the door shut behind her.

"I didn't see you at the celebration," he said, leading her through to sit down on one of the elegant sofas. Lorenzo certainly didn't go halfway. "Can I get you something to drink? Tea perhaps?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "No, thank you."

Lorenzo sat down on the other sofa, crossing one leg over the other.

"Well, congratulations," she said.

He gave her a nod. "Thank you. As you've undoubtedly seen, I'm already doing so much. Fixing the corrupted ley lines. It was difficult, not that that stopped me." Lorenzo chuckled.

Elizabeth, stared for a second and then managed to force a smile and a laugh. She had no idea what had happened to the ley lines (it was probably buried in the fire messages pile). She had barely used her magic in the last few months.

"That's great," she said.

"So," Lorenzo continued, leaning back on the sofa. "Why are you here? Not just to congratulate me, I gather?"

Pressing her right thumb into her left palm, Elizabeth took a breath. "Actually I- I need your help."

"What is it?"

She swallowed. "I've been having, um-," she trailed off. "I'm in a lot of pain." Her voice lowered to a whisper. "I tried to die."

Lorenzo gave her a long look. Finally, he spoke. "And how do you want me to help? What are you asking of me?"

_Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry_, she thought, pressing against her hand even harder. "I don't know."

He leaned forwards. "Say I did try to help you. How would I know it would work? That it wouldn't all be a waste of time."

All the air rushed out of Elizabeth's lungs. Of all the things he could say, she wasn't expecting this. He was right. Whatever he did, she might still end up brewing another potion in the end.

"It's nothing personal," he said gently. "I have a lot on my plate right now. You understand I have all the warlocks in Brooklyn to protect. What if you decide you don't want to be a warlock in Brooklyn anymore?" What if she successfully slipped away?

_I thought this was your responsibility now,_ she wanted to say. _What am I supposed to do? _She couldn't speak.

"I suggest you seek help from the mundanes. Their medicine has come a long way, especially concerning mental health."

She wanted to throw up. Coming here was a mistake.

Elizabeth stood up. "Thank you." She spoke in barely a whisper before turning away and leaving the room.

"You have my sympathies, Elizabeth." Lorenzo called out after her, standing up himself.

It was too late. She was already opening the front door, not looking back.

* * *

Taking quick shallow breaths, Elizabeth hurried down the street. She didn't know where she was going, only that she had to get away as far as possible.

It was getting dark and there was a park nearby. Exhausted, Elizabeth sat down on a bench, trying to breathe. She pressed her fingers to her chest, tears streaming down her cheeks.

Everything felt so wrong. So corrupted.

She didn't know what to do, so she just sat there, crying and hyperventilating. She wanted to get away, to disappear into nothingness. To fall asleep and never wake up and face this anymore. She wanted to see her friends again, to get through a day without crying. She didn't want to die, she just wanted it all to stop.

Elizabeth took her phone out of her pocket and though about calling Magnus. She didn't want to. He had been so kind to her, she felt like all she would be doing is bothering him. He didn't need that in his life. He had said that she paid him. That she was a client. But a signature isn't payment. Not really.

She covered her eyes with one hand, sobbing quietly, so torn over what to do.

Eventually, she started reasoning with herself. He didn't have to answer if he was busy. If he didn't want to talk to her, he didn't have to. He could tell her to go somewhere else, just like Lorenzo did.

Taking a deep breath, she hit call.

It rang a few times and she waited, her heart thumping non-stop, sniffing so that she wouldn't sound so terrible on the phone.

"Elizabeth, how are you?" Magnus sounded light, yet slightly worried.

All the little composure she'd built was lost. Immediately more sobbing escaped her lips, along with a small "I'm sorry." The tears were endless, sliding down her face onto her phone. "I'm sorry," she apologised again.

"Where are you?"

Trying to get a hold of herself, in between sobs, she told him.

"I'll be five minutes."

Elizabeth put the phone down onto the bench next to her, putting her face in her hands. She'd done it now. She'd ruined his night. She couldn't even have a phone call without falling apart.

Distantly she heard the sound of a portal opening, but was too afraid to look up. Instead she continued weeping into her shaking hands.

As she felt a warm touch on her arm, she lifted her head, seeing Magnus standing in front of her, his face full of concern.

Elizabeth stood up. He had come all the way out here because of her. She had to talk to him. She owed him that much. "Magnus," she started to say, her voice cracked, and she was weeping again.

He grabbed her then, pulling her into a tight hug. She flung her arms around his middle, crying into his shirt. "I'm sorry," she kept saying, "I'm sorry."

"My dear, what are you sorry for?" asked Magnus.

"For ruining your night."

He chuckled, "You haven't ruined anything. The night's only just begun. Time is not some precious thing. There's plenty of it to get some drinks."

Elizabeth pulled away, her eyes on the ground. "If I interrupted something – I know you're very busy, so,"

"Elizabeth," Magnus cut her off, "I'm very happy you called me."

She looked up to see his encouraging smile.

"Thank you," he said.

Wiping a hand across her cheek, she exhaled, finally feeling like she could breathe normally again. The pain in her chest had lessened.

"Now, how about we go to my apartment, you can feel free to tell me what this is all about, all the while drinking copious amounts of alcohol?" Magnus suggested, holding out a tissue.

She took it, wiping way the remaining tears. "Ok," she laughed. "Yes."

Magnus waved his hands, opening another portal and they both stepped through it, leaving the darkness behind.

* * *

**Sorry it's not as long as usual, but this chapter was difficult to write! Hope you enjoyed and let me know what you think 3**


	6. Vodka

The portal opened up into Magnus' apartment.

Immediately, he set about making some drinks, exaggerating and making sort of a show of it in an attempt to lighten the mood.

Elizabeth smiled a little, putting her coat and scarf down on a blue arm chair.

"It's such a nice night. Shall we sit on the balcony?" he offered, holding a glass in each hand.

She nodded. "Ok."

They sat opposite each other, a coffee table between them. Magnus placed one of the glasses in front of her and she quickly took a sip, staring out at the view.

"So," Magnus started, "do you want to talk about what happened?"

Elizabeth took a good few mouthfuls of her drink before answering the question.

"I do," she said at last, hesitating.

Magnus looked at her, waiting for her to continue.

Instead, she took another mouthful of her drink.

"Take your time," he said.

Licking the alcohol from her lips and taking a few deep breaths, Elizabeth put her half empty glass down. "Earlier today, I had a meeting with Lorenzo."

Magnus froze, raising his eyebrows. "What did he say?"

"Oh," Elizabeth adjusted her position on the cushioned bench, looking at the sky so that she wouldn't start crying again. "I believe the phrase he used was 'waste of time'."

Magnus put his glass down and sat forwards. "He said this to you?"

Elizabeth sniffed, her eyes full of tears. She slowly met his, and nodded.

With a clenched jaw, Magnus stood up. "I'm going to go and see him. Right now. This is unacceptable."

He turned to go, his back to her as he intended to go inside, the orange glow ready to spring from his hands to create a portal when Elizabeth's small voice stopped him.

"Magnus, please don't."

The glow died away and he turned back towards her, frowning.

"He's right." She fiddled with her hands. "Helping me is a waste of time. There are others, more important-," her voice was cracking with emotion.

"Everyone's important." Magnus said, with all the authority of the position he wished he still had. "And its wrong he made you feel this way."

"Plenty of things are wrong at the moment," Elizabeth replied. "Please don't talk to him. He did actually give me some advice."

"Did he now?" Magnus, not totally convinced, sat down again anyway.

"He suggested I look at mundane medicine."

Magnus scoffed. "That's what our well respected, all powerful, High Warlock suggests? Did he at least give you a contact?"

Elizabeth shook her head. "He didn't really have time. I sort of ran away after that." She took a good few mouthfuls more of her drink.

"I'm sorry, Elizabeth." Magnus watched her drinking, sadly. "I thought maybe he'd help you."

"Well he did in a way. Now I know my worth."

Magnus shook his head. "No, you don't."

"I do," she argued. "I've known it all this time. The only difference is now it's been said out loud by one of the most important people." With that, Elizabeth drained the rest of her glass. "Do you have anything stronger?"

Magnus held up a hand and a bottle of vodka flew through the open doors and into his grasp. He poured a small amount into her glass.

"Do you know who has copies of your books, Elizabeth?"

She shrugged.

"Everyone," he said simply, putting the bottle down. "Literally. I don't think I've visited another warlock in the last century who didn't have at least one of them. And I'm guessing you don't know, because no one ever sees you."

Elizabeth, who had pressed her lips together, slowly nodded. She whispered, "That's something." Looking back out at the view, she swallowed. "It seemed easier, to be alone. To not need anyone. Or at least pretend." With the crumpled tissue between her fingers, she wiped under her eyes.

Magnus gave her a soft smile. "We're all pretending. And you're not alone. We're going to get you through this."

Gradually, Elizabeth smiled back. "Thank you."

He went on, leaning forwards. "I'm not just saying that. For you, it was that potion. For me, Blackfriars Bridge."

She stared at him.

"I needed someone then – a vampire named Camille. I wouldn't be here if not for her. There's no shame in that, in feeling vulnerable, or asking for help. What you're feeling now – it's ok."

Another tear cascaded down her cheek and she looked down, nodding. "Thank you," she whispered again. "For everything."

"There's no need to thank me, my dear." Magnus sat back, taking a sip from his drink.

Elizabeth picked her glass back up and knocked back half of the double shot. She widened her eyes at the drink. "Jesus Christ."

"You can't order that at a bar," joked Magnus. He had made it himself, after all.

Several shots and stories later, Elizabeth was laughing at Magnus' drunken adventures in Peru. Her cheeks were pink from the alcohol and she hadn't laughed like that in a while. She felt much better, despite her surroundings occasionally moving around. Giggling, she hadn't heard the front door open.

Suddenly, the shadowhunter she'd seen last time had appeared by the doors, with his hands behind his back.

"Shit," Elizabeth tried to straighten her position in her seat and pressed her lips together to stop laughing. "I hope there's no trouble, uh, Mr Shadowhunter."

He looked at Magnus in amusement. "Don't worry, I'm not here to spoil the party."

"He's off duty." Magnus chuckled, patting the seat beside him motioning for the shadowhunter to sit down. "This is Elizabeth."

"Oh," his hazel eyes widened slightly as he took a seat. "I'm Alec. Nice to meet you."

Elizabeth looked at him. He seemed uncomfortable whilst Magnus summoned another glass. She looked at the warlock. "You've told him about me," she deduced.

Magnus poured Alec some of the vodka. "Well, he's my boyfriend."

There was an awkward pause.

"Yeah, I mean," Elizabeth turned her head to the side, one lop ear falling across her cheek and hiding some of her face. "Yeah. Wait," she turned back with a frown. "Boyfriend? A shadowhunter?"

Magnus couldn't help it. "Head of the New York Institute," he bragged.

"Head of the-?" Elizabeth pushed her ear back over her shoulder, hardly able to believe what she was hearing and seeing. "Is this politics or pleasure?" she questioned, slyly.

Alec sipped his drink, awkwardly.

"Oh, definitely pleasure." Magnus smirked.

"It sounds like you two had a good evening." Alec said, interrupting their conversation.

"It was unexpected, but pleasant," Magnus answered, looking at Elizabeth.

She smiled, standing up. Swaying slightly, she had to put a hand on the wall to steady herself. After a few seconds she let go of the wall. "I'll be back in a minute," said Elizabeth, disappearing inside.

"On the left," Magnus called out.

She found the bathroom, and after a dizzying five minutes, splashed some water on her face, humming to herself. She grabbed one of the hand towels from the side and pressed it against her face, breathing in the smell of lavender. It was quite a nice and calming smell so she stayed there for a little longer, trying not to fall over as everything was spinning even more.

She tried to remember how much she'd had to drink, but she'd lost count somewhere after five and she was certain she'd had more than five drinks.

When she finally made it back to the balcony, the first thing she saw was Magnus and Alec with their arms wrapped around each other, kissing.

Smiling at how cute they were, she lingered before taking a seat, trying look away as she felt like she was invading their privacy. All of a sudden, Elizabeth felt like she had overstayed her welcome, that she should have left hours ago. What time was it?

The two men pulled apart, both looking content and slightly dazed.

"I should go," Elizabeth said. She took one last sip of her drink and left the rest, putting the glass down on the coffee table for the final time.

"Are you sure?" Magnus asked, "Will you be alright?"

She nodded heavily, getting to her feet again. "I'm fine, I feel much better now."

Magnus stood up. "I'll make you a portal."

Elizabeth bade Alec goodbye and stepped back inside and was about the pick up her coat and scarf when Magnus stopped her.

"Elizabeth," he said.

She turned around and he gave her a hug. "You are important," Magnus told her, his hands on her back.

Elizabeth hugged him back, tightly, hungry for the comfort of their embrace. She pressed her face into his shoulder. Her throat was aching. They stood for a moment, Elizabeth slowly closing her eyes and letting herself relax.

"Magnus," she said after a while, "To help me sleep. I need one of my potions."

He let her go, looking at her unhappily. Elizabeth watched him go into his office and emerge with a tiny bottle in hand, feeling like she'd disappointed him in some way. Upon closer inspection, however, she saw it wasn't one of her potions – it was something else.

With a wave of his hand and a flash, the liquid inside the bottle turned a bright purple. "It's very mild," Magnus explained, "but this mixed with the alcohol should be enough to help you relax and push you over the edge."

"Thank you, Magnus," Elizabeth said, taking the bottle.

Magnus opened a portal for her and gave her shoulder a squeeze. "Anytime, my dear."

* * *

**Please let me know what you think. I'd love some feedback 3**


	7. Nothing

**Hey, I know it's been a while since I posted but I have been having a tough time lately. Please let me know what you think of the story so far - if you like it or not or think there's something I should change... I'd love some feedback. Enjoy the chapter 3**

* * *

_Get out of bed._

Elizabeth stated at the ceiling, trying to will herself to move. She'd spent all the day before in the bedroom, watching old films she had seen with Danny at The Pictures. Some empty wrappers and boxes lay on top of the fire message pile shed made (basically, trash).

_Get out of bed._ Her mind screamed at her. _You worthless piece of shit. Is lying in bed your life now?_

She knew she had to get up, to clean up any mess, to make herself presentable before Magnus arrived. It was Monday.

"Shit," she moaned out loud, her chest hurting as she knew how stupid she was being. It was just getting up. It couldn't be that difficult.

Then why was it?

Pushing the covers off herself she made herself sit up, at least so that her back would ache less. If she could use her magic, it would be easy. Instead she would have to do it the mundane way. The time-consuming way.

Elizabeth reached over to the bedside table for her phone to see it was nearly two thirty. She still had half an hour. More or less. She couldn't remember whether Magnus often showed up early or late or exactly on time. Actually, she couldn't remember ever arranging to meet with him before. It had always been unplanned, apart from when-

Early. He'd been early that time. Elizabeth took a deep breath. She really wanted to try and not humiliate herself by having another break down in front of him again. Even though he was helping her with that, it really was just embarrassing. She wanted to at least look normal.

Slowly she slid off the mattress and pulled the covers up, smoothing them over. There, now she couldn't get back inside because it was made. Although she did ruin things, so if she were to ruin that, it would be typical of her...

_Stop it._ Elizabeth turned to the fire message pile and gathered it all up into one of the empty cereal boxes. They just about fit.

She slid open her wardrobe door and frowned at what was there. She wanted something comfortable and warm, but also flattering. Elizabeth pulled on one of her casual dresses which had long sleeves that she could cover her wrists if she felt nervous. It went down past her knees meaning she didn't need to worry about it riding up.

Once she'd sorted her hair out, which was difficult since she couldn't glamour her ears, she tidied up around the house. The fire messages were dumped into a desk drawer to be dealt with in the distant future, and she was just about to make a tea to calm her nerves when there was a knock at the front door.

Smoothing down her dress, she tried to breathe evenly before she opened the door to Magnus, who stood as always in a smart, brightly coloured outfit. He gave her a smile as she greeted him and invited him inside.

"Elizabeth, you look well."

She smiled back as she closed the door.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Good," she said. And then added, "I think. I was just about to make some tea?" Elizabeth offered to make him some.

"Oh, please." Magnus nodded, taking a seat at the table. He slid his satchel from his shoulder. "Nothing like a hot drink to chase off the chill in the air."

Once the tea was made, Elizabeth sat at the table with Magnus, holding her mug with both hands to keep her fingers warm.

"So how is this going to work?" she asked, watching as Magnus pulled out the entire contents of the satchel onto the table. Among them she could see several books on depression and what to do about it.

"Well, I've been in contact with my good friend Caterina Loss, and she has many recommendations on techniques and therapies. I thought first we can go through everything that could be making you feel this way and go from there."

She nodded. "OK."

And then the questions started.

Elizabeth tried to be as honest as possible, trying not to hold anything back. She reasoned with herself it was the only way he could help her. Otherwise things couldn't change. Magnus made some hastily written notes several times.

"And how long has it been since you've been able to use your magic?"

Elizabeth stared at him. She hadn't said anything about her magic, but of course it was obvious. It took her a moment to answer, looking down at her empty mug with a sigh, watching the remains of the dregs sliding around. "Maybe about… seven months."

Magnus paused, "That's a while."

She nodded. "Yep."

"Can you tell me more about that?" he asked, gently.

"Sometimes I can feel the energy," she tried to explain, "but it's almost like... An invisible barrier. And I just can't," she trailed off, looking away, tears in her eyes. "I'm a mess. And-." Her voice lowered to a whisper, as if saying it quietly would lessen the truth. "I don't know what's happening to me."

Magnus didn't even miss a beat. "That's what we're doing now. We're going to find out what's happening and you're going to get your magic back." He tried to assure her and to make eye contact.

Elizabeth couldn't look at him. Staring at the mug in her hands, she nodded. "OK," she replied, wanting to believe him but not really able to. It was just words, despite the good intentions behind them.

Sensing her disbelief, Magnus suggested, "try to do something now? Show me what happens and we can try to figure something out."

He snapped his fingers and a wisp of blue energy floated upwards from his palm.

She looked at the blue glow, unhappily.

"Or not?" The blue energy fizzled away.

"I'll try, I suppose."

Elizabeth put her mug to one side and put her hand out with her palm facing the ceiling. With her other hand she rested it on top of the other before lifting it up, as if she was trying to draw out her magic. When nothing happened, she tried again, a frown appearing on her face.

"Take your time, Elizabeth."

She kept trying, the frown getting deeper and deeper. She felt hot and could feel her pulse racing. Her hands shook. The worst thing was, she could barely feel her magic at all. Was she even a warlock at all? Was she anything?

In a huff, the chair scraped on the floor as she stood up, turning her back to Magnus. Her breathing was sharp and shallow as she tried to stay calm.

"I'm sorry," Magnus said, standing up as well. "It will be alright."

"No, it won't," Elizabeth said quietly. "I can't do magic. I'm not a warlock. I'm nothing." She turned around.

Magnus met her eyes. "Is that what you truly believe, or is it how you feel?"

Elizabeth thought for a moment, leaning against the table. "It's a fact."

"And what's your evidence?" he asked.

"What?"

"Your evidence. Like if this was a case in court and you were arguing for the case of you being nothing, there would need to be evidence of for and against." Magnus explained. "What would be your evidence?"

Not expecting him to have said this, Elizabeth was caught off guard. She folded her arms, thinking. "Well, my magic doesn't work. I haven't been able to work on anything for a long time. I spend entire days in bed. Why are you writing this down?"

Magnus had sat back down and had a pen in hand. "Just keep going."

"I have a drawer of fire messages I've not even looked at. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I can't get through more than one day without crying. Oh, and obviously I tried to kill myself but I couldn't even do that right either."

He finished the last one and then drew a line across the middle of the page. On the other side he started writing other things, while Elizabeth returned to her own seat.

"What are you doing?"

He waved a hand and carried on writing for another minute before ripping out the page and handing it to her.

She looked down the paper. On one side were all the things she'd said and on the other were all the counter arguments.

"You're getting help for your magic, and everything else." Magnus said. "They'll be plenty of time to work once you've recovered, and you're allowed a break. You spend a lot of time out of bed, like how you cleaned your entire house while feeling terrible, going to London, reaching out for more help and recognising you need it, and clearly making a substantial effort today. You have found a way to prioritise what is important and store away fire messages that do not need your immediate attention. Symptoms of your illness are beyond your control. And you didn't pass on because of reasons beyond your control, and you're still here because you are keeping a promise."

Elizabeth wasn't sure what to say. She looked over the summarised words on the paper and then back up to Magnus.

"Do you really want to die?" he questioned.

She shook her head. "I just don't want to live like this anymore."

He nodded. "And everything at the moment is only temporary."

Elizabeth took a deep steadying breath. Magnus was right.

"So, after seeing all the evidence, do you still think you're nothing?"

"I guess it's not really the truth," she spoke honestly. "You're very good at this."

Magnus waved a hand, "Oh believe me," he said, "it's all Caterina and the materials she sent me." He gestured to the pile of books.

Elizabeth had met her a couple of times but had never really spoken with her much. She had heard more about her; especially about how selfless she was.

They spent a bit more time discussing things. Elizabeth drew up a schedule for the next week, to get into doing things she enjoyed, or used to enjoy before.

Later, they left to have dinner and some drinks at a downworlder rooftop bar. It was beautiful with the view, and colourful lanterns decorating the restaurant.

Magnus and Elizabeth had a table near the bar, and he watched as she stirred her cocktail with a straw.

"I'm not keeping you from your boyfriend, am I?" she asked, nervously.

"Oh, no. He's working late."

"Long hours?"

He nodded, "Sometimes. But often we end up working together on a multitude of projects. We can't stay away from each other," Magnus laughed.

"That's really nice," Elizabeth smiled. Her eyes shone in the dim orange light.

Suddenly she paled, dropping her straw into her drink and staring past Magnus to something behind him.

He turned his head to peer over his shoulder to see none other than Lorenzo shaking hands with a vampire several tables away. He glanced around and saw him, looking right at them.

"Shit," Elizabeth whispered.

"Our favourite High Warlock," Magnus muttered.

He stood up from the bench and turned around just as Lorenzo approached their table, almost like he was a barrier between the other two warlocks.

"Magnus and Elizabeth, what a lovely surprise." Lorenzo smiled a bit too widely for it to be genuine.

"We were just enjoying the beautiful evening," Magnus greeted him. _Before you came and ruined it_.

Lorenzo seemed disinterested in Magnus, however, moving to the side so he could better see Elizabeth who was still seated. She glanced up at him, looking tense, and certainly not returning Lorenzo's, now fading, smile.

"Ms Ainsley, I was hoping I could have a word or two."

Magnus eyed Elizabeth, wondering how she was going to react to this.

She looked down at her drink, and slowly nodded. "Very well," she mumbled.

"Excellent," Lorenzo took Magnus' place on the bench.

Magnus picked up his drink, "I won't be far," he assured her and she nodded again.

He placed his glass down on one of the taller tables nearby, just out of earshot of Elizabeth and Lorenzo. He kept a close eye, hoping that if Lorenzo was going to say awful things to her she would be able to get through it like the last time. He knew she was vulnerable, and felt like she needed some kind of protection, from Lorenzo and herself.

Elizabeth pulled her ears forwards, resting them on her shoulders as the fur brushed against her cheeks. Magnus frowned as he was flooded with a memory of one of their meetings some time ago.

She had done the same thing, then. Pulled her ears forwards. They had been in his apartment when they were hiding from Valentine. She had been standing on her own by one of the windows. Two lines of purple energy seemed to float down around her hair as the glamour faded from her ears.

"Is something wrong?" He'd heard the voice of Caterina.

"I'm fine, thank you," Elizabeth had said, pulling her ears forwards.

Of course, there'd been such bigger things going on, he hadn't thought to see if something really was wrong. But she hadn't wanted help, she wasn't reaching for it then. She was reaching for it now. When it had almost been too late.

In the present, Elizabeth was keeping her head down. Lorenzo put out a hand towards her arm that was resting on the table and she quickly put her hands down. A moment later Magnus could see tears sliding down her face. She looked across at him, eyes pleading, and he could tell that was her asking for help.

"Are you quite finished filling this evening with misery?" Magnus asked Lorenzo, putting his drink back down on the table.

Lorenzo shot him a glare, but stood up all the same. "Elizabeth," he said gently, leaning towards her. "Please consider it, and come by my mansion tomorrow."

He gave Magnus one final scowl, before leaving.

Elizabeth turned her head to the side, trying to wipe her tears away with her hand.

Magnus sat down next to her, topping up her drink. "So, while you two were talking, I was devising a plan for how to murder him and how to cover it all up. You know how I have connections to the clave to get this sort of thing swept under the rug."

Sniffing, she giggled. "The perfect crime?"

"Exactly."

Elizabeth took a mouthful of her drink and let out a long exhale.

"What did he say to you?" Magnus asked, breaking the silence.

"He's reconsidered helping me. He wants to see if there's something he can do, tomorrow. He, um," She paused, brushing away another stray tea. "He said he can't bear to see me a mess like this and he might know of some magic to fix me."

Magnus watched her, remembering earlier how she had told him she was nothing. How much he had wanted to tell her she wasn't nothing. She was far from nothing. But she wouldn't have believed him. He didn't think she'd believe him now, but he still told her, "Elizabeth, you're not broken."

She looked at him for a long moment, and then back to her drink. Whether she had believed him or not, he couldn't tell. Not yet.


	8. In-between Nightmare

Elizabeth had hoped to come to Lorenzo's mansion trying not to think about her last visit. Now that she had arrived, it was all she could think about.

She was sitting in his office, answering his questions – similarly to what Magnus had been asking her the day before. What she was feeling, for how long, her habits and routines. He didn't ask about her magic, but she assumed he knew she couldn't use it. It was hard, as she pressed her right thumb into her left palm, feeling her escalated heart rate through her whole upper body.

"There is no question," Lorenzo concluded, "of your depression."

Slightly relieved that he had come to the same understanding as her and Magnus, Elizabeth nodded.

"And having met with The Silent Brothers in the past, concerning this subject, I do know of a spell that might work."

She raised her eyebrows. A spell? This was something that could be fixed as simply as a cut or broken bone?

"Oh, believe me," Lorenzo said with concern. "It would not be easy. As for the risks involved, it could permanently break your mind. You won't die, however it would be possible you wouldn't be entirely… a person… anymore."

Elizabeth sat there in silence. She desperately wanted a solution. Was this the way? She was working with Magnus on more mundane remedies which had potential to work without the risk of her losing herself. Although, there was also the chance that may never work. There was the chance that this spell might be the only thing to truly fix her.

"Were it to be successful," Lorenzo continued. "You'd no longer experience the symptoms. It would be as if before you started this episode. And you'd never have another. When performed on the nephilim, and it had been successful, the results were very good."

"How does it work?" Elizabeth asked.

He stood up from behind his desk and wandered over to one of the bookcases, browsing the shelves. "If I remember correctly, it's an invasive procedure…"

Elizabeth grimaced, shifting uncomfortably in the chair. She wanted this, but she was unsure about Lorenzo rummaging around in her brain.

He found the book and sat back down, opening it on his desk, flicking through the pages. "The spell works in that it would 'heal' the areas of your brain that have been affected. Where some parts have shrunk or enlarged, and where the chemicals are unbalanced. The magic would manipulate these parts and restore the changes."

She nodded again. Having heard how it works, Elizabeth felt a little more at ease. It sounded like something that had potential to be successful.

"It is an extremely difficult and delicate procedure, Elizabeth," Lorenzo went on, staring at her. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

She took a breath. "If things," she hesitated. "If things were to go wrong, as you said, would you- end my suffering?"

Lorenzo paused. "If you were truly suffering, then yes."

Elizabeth looked away. If this worked, there would be so much she could do again. She could most likely do her magic again. She could write, travel, have real friendships that didn't involve her crying half the time. She'd not want to die anymore. Perhaps she'd even stop hating herself. Perhaps she'd even love herself.

"Yes," she said. "Do it, please."

Lorenzo stood slowly. "As you wish."

He ran his finger down the yellowed page of the book. Elizabeth watched him, trying to keep calm as she waited.

"Sit back," he instructed, taking a few steps around to the back of her seat.

Putting his hands in the air on either side of her head, a golden energy released around her.

Elizabeth closed her eyes, trying to relax and stay as still as possible to make it easier for Lorenzo, and hopefully less likely for things to go wrong. She couldn't feel anything changing or any different yet.

"Elizabeth, you need to stop blocking my magic."

She opened her eyes in alarm. She wasn't blocking his magic. She wasn't doing anything. Maybe she was doing it without meaning to.

Furrowing her brow, Elizabeth tried to picture a shield lowering in her mind, to draw back any energy floating around in her head.

"Elizabeth," pressed Lorenzo, a hint of annoyance in his tone.

Her hands sweating as she held them, she tried again, lowering any invisible barriers. She imagined the golden energy swirling into her head.

Suddenly the golden glow receded back into Lorenzo's hands. Without the sounds of the magic, Elizabeth realised she was out of breath and she tried to even her breathing.

Lorenzo stood next to her, eyebrows raised. "I thought you wanted this done?" he questioned.

"I do," Elizabeth said.

"Then what's the problem? Why aren't you letting me in?"

She pressed her lips together, feeling a razor blade in her throat. "I don't know," she mumbled.

Lorenzo sighed, "I think you have doubts. I think you need to spend some time considering whether this is really what you want."

"But I can't," Elizabeth choked out, "I can't control it." _I can't go on any more like this._

"I'm sorry. To do this procedure, you need to."

With shaking hands, she pushed down on the arms of the chair to stand. "I understand," she whispered, turning towards the door.

"Elizabeth," Lorenzo touched her arm. "I really am sorry."

She glanced back at him, tears in her eyes, and then turned to leave.

* * *

It was at sunset when he got the call. Magnus had just made some drinks for Alec and himself, and was about to get comfortable on the sofa next to his favourite nephilim when his phone buzzed on the coffee table.

He was tempted to let it go to voice mail. However, he did take a glance at the caller ID to see if it might be someone important. Elizabeth.

"Sorry," he apologised to Alec, who put up a hand and shook his head to show he wasn't bothered.

"Elizabeth?" Magnus answered, knowing that she had been invited to see Lorenzo that day and he hadn't heard from her.

"I don't think I can keep my promise, Magnus," came a whimpering voice down the phone. "I'm sorry."

Adrenaline flooded through him as he knew what she was about to do. "Elizabeth, where are you?" he asked, urgently.

She let out a sob and all he could do was listen. It sounded windy and he could hear the traffic. She was outside somewhere, but it was a big city.

"Please, tell me where you are."

She sniffed, "If I tell you, you'll come and find me."

Magnus smiled sadly. "Well, that is the point, my dear."

At this point, Alec had stood up and was looking at Magnus with concern.

Magnus hurried into his office while she was talking, towards the box of her things. He grabbed the first thing his hand found which was a jar of dried leaves and headed back to Alec.

"I wanted to thank you, for everything." Elizabeth said.

"Why don't you thank me in person?" he asked, coolly, pressing the jar into Alec's hand. He covered the microphone for a second and whispered to his boyfriend, "track."

Alec did what Magnus asked, holding the jar and closing his eyes to concentrate.

"I'm sorry," Elizabeth whispered, "this is goodbye."

"Eliz-," Magnus started. The phone beeped as the call ended. She'd hung up.

Slowly he lowered the phone as he turned to Alec.

"That was Elizabeth?" Alec asked, having seen her through tracking her. "She's on the George Washington Bridge. East side."

Magnus eyed him with worry, drawing up a portal. "She's about to do something terrible."

He stepped through the orange oval, instantly feeling the rush of wind in the dull blue light, the sun now gone. Alec was close behind him, as he ran towards the woman leaning against the barrier.

"Elizabeth," Magnus called out to her over the traffic and the wind.

She turned to see the couple coming towards her and she blinked heavily with a furrowed brow. Holding up her hands, she cried, "stay back!"

Magnus stopped, putting an arm out for Alec to do the same. He knew he didn't need to be near her to save her now. And she would know that too.

"I can't do this anymore," Elizabeth cried, looking at Magnus.

He took a careful step forwards, hands up trying to show he wasn't a threat but also prepared to do any magic to grab her if she vaulted off the side. "You're stronger than you think you are."

"I'm not," she replied, holding onto the barrier with one hand for support. "I'm not strong enough to be alive. I'm not strong enough to die. I'm stuck here, in this in-between nightmare."

Magnus took another step forward, trying to close the distance between them. Alec stayed back, uncertain but ready to intervene.

Elizabeth seemed out of breath, leaning against the side and then running her hands through her hair and around her ears.

"Elizabeth, tell me about it. Talk to me." he urged, gradually getting closer.

Her breathing was audible now, and she wasn't able to focus on anything. "Lorenzo tried to... And I couldn't... I can't..." Elizabeth grabbed the barrier with both hands and leant over the side, crumbling against it as she let out a cry ending in sharp breaths.

Magnus closed the small distance that was left and rushed to her side, softly taking her shoulders to guide her away from the edge.

"I- can't- breathe," she choked out.

"I know. Everything's fine." He led her to the other side of the walk way where there was a pillar. "Sit down."

Magnus sat down with her, in front of her but to the side so she could stretch out her legs. She was shaking and gasping for air as more tears streamed down her face.

"Can you close your eyes?" he asked, and she did. "One, two, three, four, five." He counted for her like before when they'd been in London.

She leant against the pillar, trembling hands grabbing at her coat to cling to something as she seemed to be trying her best to slow her breathing.

Magnus kept counting to five, over and over again, prepared to do it for as long as she needed. He was slightly relieved they'd got her away from the side, but she still needed help.

Eventually she seemed to slow down her breathing and she leant forwards; her eyes still closed. She touched his arm signalling for him to stop counting.

"Magnus," Elizabeth murmured between breaths, tears falling. "It's too hard," she sobbed.

Magnus wrapped his arms around her shaking form and she sobbed into his chest. "Shh, it's alright. Cry as much as you need. I'm here for you." He rubbed her back, gently.

That made her cry harder, but it seemed like she needed it.

"Is it alright if I use magic on you?" he asked her.

"Yes," she whispered, still holding onto him tightly.

It unsettled him that she agreed, even though she didn't know what he wanted to do. She was so desperate and sad, it was heart-breaking. He hadn't wanted to use magic to get her through the panic attack, worried that she would think even less of herself for thinking she needed magical help. He wanted her to feel that she could fight her way back. Now though, she was so upset. It felt cruel not to do more, and he wanted to help.

With his hands on her back, Magnus sent a wave of blue magic through her. All at once, it flowed to slow her racing heart, it swirled around to ease the tightness in her chest, and soothe all the muscles in her back and shoulders.

Magnus felt her weight as she slumped against him with a deep sigh. He was a little worried he had overdone it. He didn't want to cause her to fall unconscious, since that would make portalling problematic. However, she was crying quietly, and still shaking, though less violently than before.

After a while, when she grew silent, he gently took her upper arms, guiding her back so he could see her face. "How about a change of scenery? Shall we go with Alec to my apartment?"

Elizabeth looked over his shoulder at Alec who was standing nearby, but not too close so that they could have some space. "OK," she whispered in defeat.

Magnus stood up and held out his hands to help her pull herself up. She was quite unsteady on her feet, swaying and grabbing onto his arms for support.

Alec came over then, holding his arms out towards her. "Here, hold onto me." he said, encouragingly, "so Magnus can make the portal."

She looked up at him, anxious. Alec stood there patiently, not touching her - waiting for her to reach for him when she was ready.

Elizabeth let go of Magnus and linked her right arm with Alec's left, trying to breathe and stay upright.

Magnus waved his arms and a portal appeared. He turned back to Elizabeth and reached out towards her. She gratefully stepped towards him, where he put his arm around her shoulders and they headed into the portal.


	9. New Friends

Alec placed a steaming mug of hot chocolate on the coffee table in front of Elizabeth and she stared up at him.

_The head of the New York Institute just made me a hot chocolate_, she thought, marvelling at how bizarre that was.

"Thank you," she managed to say with uncertainty.

He nodded to her with a slight smile, which did nothing to change her puzzlement. When he walked away to go into another room, she felt like she had to tell someone about the weird thing that had just happened. So, she turned to Magnus who was sitting next to her, hand on her back.

"The Head of the New York Institute just made me a hot chocolate."

Magnus gave her a smug smile. "He also does the dishes sometimes."

She shook her head. It had been a strange day. A horrible day. Closing her eyes, she tried to focus instead on Magnus' hand rubbing her back comfortingly.

"If you want to talk about anything, I'll listen," he told her. "Or not. We can just sit here, and you don't have to say anything."

After a few moments, with a shuddering breath Elizabeth opened her eyes. She wanted to tell him what happened earlier.

"There's a spell, Lorenzo tried to use on me," she started.

Alec emerged from the other room then, a blanket in his arms.

Elizabeth stopped, watching as he crossed the room and offered it to her. She thanked him, still unsure about him being so nice to her, and opened out the blanket. Draping it over her still quivering shoulders, she felt more comfortable, touching the soft black fabric.

"A spell?" Magnus asked, bringing her back to what she had been saying.

Alec took a seat opposite them, as Elizabeth continued.

"Some kind of healing magic," she said. "He wasn't able to do it anyway, because I-," she cut herself off, resting her elbows on her knees and leaning forwards, covering her eyes with her palms. "My magic stopped him from using it, and I can't control my magic while I'm like this, and I can't not be like this unless I control my magic. So that's it. I just feel," she paused, trying to think of the right word. "Trapped."

Elizabeth held her ears, tugging on them a little. "If I could use only my magic again... I'd be able to hide these ridiculous things."

"They're far from ridiculous."

She looked up at Alec, his words having been completely unexpected.

"They're great. And they're a part of you," he said.

Studying his face, she tried to find a hidden falseness behind his words. He was looking at her with a soft, yet serious, kindness and she could only find honesty in what he was saying.

A shadowhunter.

And not just any shadowhunter - one of their higher ups. A leader.

She was touched, but also confused. "I don't mean to sound ungrateful, but why are you being so kind to me?" she asked him, straightening back up on the sofa.

"It's my duty to protect downworlders."

"From demons," Elizabeth retorted.

Alec shrugged. "Sometimes the demons are inside us. Besides, more than that, you're important to Magnus, and therefore important to me."

"Alexander's right," said Magnus, drawing back her attention. "As our friend, you're important to both of us. And we're both here for you whenever you need." He gave her an encouraging smile. "_We_ need you here. With your intelligence and your sweet laughter. My dear, you'd leave a crater behind in the world."

Elizabeth thought about this for a minute. The corners of her mouth turned upwards slightly before melting back down.

"Thank you," she said in a small voice. "I really appreciate that."

Magnus placed a hand above the blanket on top of her forearm. She met his eyes.

"The best thing for now I think is a distraction, " he declared. "Perhaps we could all watch a movie?"

"Thanks, but maybe I should go home," said Elizabeth. She felt that she'd already taken up enough of their evening, and Magnus had told her only the night before Alec worked long hours. This seemed like one of their only evenings off together.

"I don't think that's the best idea," Magnus replied. "Of course, I won't keep you from leaving, but I don't think you're safe right now. You shouldn't be alone."

Frowning, she slowly nodded. "OK, what movie did you have in mind?"

* * *

"It's wingardium leviosa!" Elizabeth mimicked Hermione Granger's voice, "Not wingardium leviosaarr."

Magnus and Alec both laughed.

Alec snorted. "How many times have you seen this?"

The three of them were sitting on the sofa, Magnus in-between Elizabeth and Alec. A bowl of half-finished popcorn sat on the coffee table, along with a couple of empty glasses and Elizabeth's empty mug of hot chocolate.

She hummed, "A few dozen, probably. I watched a lot of films with my ex. Especially magical ones."

"The mundane take on magic in movies..." Magnus chuckled. "Just the idea of wands..."

"Let's use magic sticks. It's not primitive at all." Elizabeth giggled.

"What I've never understood is, if the magic is inside the user, then why do they need these 'sticks'?" Magnus pointed out.

"Exactly," she said, reaching for a handful of popcorn.

Distantly she thought about earlier, how differently she'd felt. Elizabeth munched on her popcorn, glancing sideways as Alec and Magnus. There was a warm feeling in her chest, and she felt lighter as she thought of them and what had been said before. They wanted, no needed, her there. She was important to them. She was their friend.

Elizabeth couldn't help the smile spreading on her face as she looked at the TV, glowing with what could only be happiness at her new friendships.

Later, Magnus showed her the guest room. She held the blanket in her arms, watching as he summoned her pyjamas and dressing gown. With a snap of his fingers, they appeared nearly on the bed.

Depositing the blanket in the bed next to them, Elizabeth wasn't sure what to say, overwhelmed with gratitude. So instead she gave Magnus a tight hug.

"Please don't kill yourself, Elizabeth," he said, hugging her back. "This will change, I promise you."

She wanted to believe him. She really did, but it was so difficult to imagine.

When they pulled apart Elizabeth spoke, "you know what I'm going to ask." She looked away, embarrassed that this was the third time she was asking.

"You need a potion?" he questioned, taking her silence as a yes.

Magnus touched her shoulder. "Give me ten minutes. I'll see what I can do."

While he was gone, Elizabeth took the time to get changed and settle in under the covers. She was sitting up in bed, looking around the room when he returned with a glass of purple liquid.

"One order of dreamless ten-hour sleep," he chimed, placing the glass in her hand and sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Thank you so much, Magnus," said Elizabeth.

She downed the potion and almost instantly felt her whole body relax. Magnus took the glass before she could drop it, and she melted down, blinking heavily before shutting her eyes and sleep overcame her. With her features finally softening out and upon seeing the dark circles under her eyes, it was clear how much see needed a good night's sleep. But he'd be foolish to think that the next day wouldn't be just as difficult a struggle for her. At least for now, she could have some peace.

Magnus stood up. "Goodnight, my dear." He turned off the light and quietly slid the door closed behind him.

He found Alec on the balcony getting some fresh air and looking at his phone. When Magnus approached him, he slid it into his pocket.

"How is it possible," Magnus came up to his left side, placing his left hand on Alec's forearm and leaning his head against his shoulder. "That you've got me to love you even more?"

Alec glanced down at him with a smile. "What did I do?"

"The way that you're just... Yourself." Magnus smiled back. "Being so accepting and friendly to other downworlders. I don't think I'll ever get used to it."

Alec looked down, seemingly pleased at the compliment. "Just trying to do the decent thing."

"But you aren't trying," Magnus replied. "You don't need to, Alexander. Not at all."

Alec reached down slightly to kiss him, putting his hands on his boyfriend's waist. Magnus slid his own hands around Alec's shoulders.

"I hope you had a good evening. I wasn't expecting to have a guest," said Magnus.

Alec shook his head. "I enjoy every evening I get to spend with you. I just hope she's OK." He glanced over Magnus' shoulder at the guest room door.

"Me too," Magnus sighed. "Well, she's sleeping now. This is something that might take a long time, depending on a number of things."

Alec frowned. "And what's Lorenzo's part in this?"

"You and I have the same concerns, Alexander." Magnus touched the ends of Alec's hair. "For now, I think I hear the bed calling for us."

Alec's frown turned into a soft smile. "We'd better not keep it waiting, then."


End file.
